Help for Families

Put It Into Perspective

When we talk about team building, or effective partnerships, disagreeing is not typically the first thing that comes to mind. However, due to the fact that nearly every long-term relationship between two or more people will encounter disagreement, learning to disagree respectfully and appropriately is a vital element in the success of any group of people.

If you were to think about the long-term relationships in your life, your parents, siblings, children and friends you would most likely be able to think of at least one occasion when you disagreed with someone close to you. When we have disagreements with people who are important to us we are careful in how we disagree. By this I mean we are careful with the words we use and the tone we use when we are saying them, and if we truly want the relationship to continue, we are quick to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. We don't talk badly about our friends and family to others when we disagree and we take the time to consider the intent of the words as well as the actual words being said.

When you have a child with a disability or chronic illness you will most likely find yourself working with a group of people to help your child succeed. Some groups that come to mind would be an early intervention Individualized Family Service Plan (IFSP) team, a school's Individualized Education Program (IEP), or a health care team. Most of these groups will be long-term and you will not always be able to choose the members, much like you don't get to choose who your family will be.

The expertise and experience that these group members bring to the table will help us to help our children reach their full potential. Therefore it is important that we do everything that we can to maintain the ability of the group to work together. Which means, it is important that when the team disagrees we put the same thought and effort into the way we handle the disagreement as we do when we disagree with friends and family. Because the reality is that our children will be better able to reach their full potential when the families and providers in their lives work together to help them succeed.

Following are some strategies for disagreeing respectfully and effectively.

Choose your Battles

• How are group decisions made, is the final decision yours?
• How far if your stance from the other team members?
• Do any other team members agree with your point of view?
• Is there a possible compromise that will satisfy the majority of the team?
• If you are standing alone, how strongly do you feel about the issue in disagreement?
• What effect will your stance have on the ability of the group to move forward?
• What effect do you want your stance to have on the ability of the group to move forward?

Taking A Stand

• Remain calm
• Focus on the issue and not the people/person
• Don’t prepare for a fight, prepare for a discussion
• View your role as the person who gives the other team members the information that they need to be able to understand where you are coming from
• Determine what is keeping the other team members from being able to agree with you
• Be as flexible and open to persuasion throughout the process as you desire the other team members to be
• Realize that understanding and agreeing are two very different things

Letting Go

• As the parent or constituent member of a group you will feel things a lot more personally than other group members and decisions will impact you in a very different way.
• Show the other team members the respect they deserve no matter what the decision is.
• Do not badmouth the group, group members.
• LET IT GO as quickly as possible.